I suck at small talk. I mean, I really suck at small talk. I really, REALLY suck at small talk.
The following is just one example.
Random Person Whose Name is Unimportant – “How’s life?”
Me (Cheerfully) – “Subject to entropy, chaos, decay and eventual death. How’s your mom?”
Random Person Whose Name is Unimportant – “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
And this is my life. Imagine that normal is a level line. You know the line… when you fill a cup with water, the water automatically makes a level line due to surface tension and gravity. That’s normal.
This is me.
As you can PLAINLY see, my level line is not the same as yours. Well… that may not be true. There is about a 99.5% chance that my level line is not the same as yours.
The previous conversation is just one example. There are many more.
As a misanthrope, I spend a great deal of time at home. I don’t like going out in public because there are a great number of people out there. And as the term misanthrope implies (Okay – misanthrope outright says it.), I don’t really like people.
That and going out amongst people typically requires pants. And, I have stated previously, pants are evil. This is a fact.
Recently, I went to the industry (and by industry, I mean film) holiday party. I had to use the bathroom. I sat down in the stall to do my… business. After a minute or so, another guy came in. He went into the stall next to mine. After a minute, he talked to me.
Now… to me, this was weird, but I was raised right. If you are addressed, it is polite to respond.
Guy: Hey, man.
Me: Um… hi?
Guy: How are you doing?
Me: I’m… fine?
Guy: Whatcha doin?
Me: Ummmm… That should be obvious.
Guy: Listen, Frank. I’m gonna let you go. The guy in the stall next to me keeps responding.
Is it me? Or rather, was it me? I’ll say it again… I was raised right. I don’t want to hear you doing your business, so I’m not going to talk to you on the phone while I am in the bathroom. Not only is it rude, but you don’t need to hear the magical music that my butt makes. (For the record, my butt, like Detroit, is a wondrous place. Wait… that’s not right.)
Weird conversations abound in my life.
Customer: How can I connect two computers… like with LAN, but without cables or a router.
Tech 1: You could use a USB cable… there are some programs that will let you do that.
Me: Have you tried glue?
– Or –
On the bus a woman in high heels steps on my foot. She looks down at me and says, “I’m sorry. Did that hurt?
I can’t help myself… “Not at all. I’m on a local anisthetic.”
– Or –
“Hey! You look great! Did you get a haircut?”
“Nope, it’s fall! I’m shedding my winter coat. Thank you for the compliment though.”
– or –
“Why is your hair blue?”
“Because pink si a summer color, duh!”
I guess my point is that I see things in a different light and I’m about 5 degrees off cool. And for a misanthrope, I am damn friendly.
I have no idea where this was going, so I’ll just say good night.